Now I Know... Or At Least I Think I Do

There was a recent and brief hysterical moment in my life when I was constantly asking myself, "What am I supposed to do?" And not only myself, I asked my best friend the same question, and even had to resort to asking strangers for advice. I asked my closest friend because, first, I trusted her, and second I wanted to know what a person who knows me would say about the situation that I put myself into. I asked strangers because first, I had no one else to turn to, and second, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to know what someone who doesn't know me can say about the situation, when they are given only details of the scenario. I am also a believer of the idea that when you are totally out of the picture and you're just seeing it from the outside, you get to have a more objective point of view, thus rendering you to be in a position to give unbiased advice about the situation. It is a fact that when you are in the situation itself, it is a bit hard to be objective because there is always the danger of clouding your senses with emotions thereby leading to you making the wrong decisions about things, that is, if you consider only your opinion. But someone once told me, there are no right or wrong decisions. Or it shouldn't matter anyway but what should be most important of all is that you are able to face the consequences of your every decision. Maybe this is why many of us are sometimes afraid to make decisions. We are afraid to face the consequences or sometimes we are afraid to be blamed if the decision that we made turned out to be the wrong one. During this time in my life, I did not only ask myself, or others, but more importantly, I turned to God. I just kept on praying for Him to show me the answer that I was so desperately looking for. Those pieces of advice from other people were also very helpful to me, along with careful reflection, I have finally managed to come up with a decision. I can say that many things are much clearer to me now. Siguro hindi ko talaga siya mahal gaya ng inakala ko na halos mamatay ako sa kaiiyak kapag iisipin kong hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa. Ang iniiyakan ko pala eh ang sarili ko, dahil hindi ko pa naihanda ang sarili ko ng lubusan sa papasukin kong sitwasyon. May mga natuklasan din ako sa kanya na nagpaalala sa akin kung bakit noon pinili kong kalimutan sya at kung bakit nararamdaman ko noon hanggang ngayon may mga bagay na hindi nya sinasabi sa akin. Hindi ko siya mapili-pili kahit gustuhin ko, kahit akala ko yun ang sinisigaw ng puso ko, kasi sa likod ng isip ko, alam kong may mali eh. Hindi ko dapat palaging isipin yung napakatagal na panahon ng pagcha chat namin. Dapat nga ang isipin ko, bakit sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon, mula noon hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring pagkukusa mula sa kanya na palawigin pa ang kung anumang relasyon meron kami. Bumalik ang lahat ng takot ko at pangamba noon. Hanggang dito na lang ba kami sa chat? Ang sagot dun , OO. At dapat matagal ko nang alam ito. Dapat matagal ko nang isiniksik sa utak ko. At dapat din na dito na magtapos. Masakit din lalo na kung iisipin na inalagaan ko sa puso ko ang binhi ng pag-asa na baka naman siya na, baka naman kailangan ko lang maghintay ng konti pa, baka naman kailangan ko lang siyang bigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon..... Pero may limitasyon ang paghihintay, ang pag-asam, ang pangangarap, ang mga pagkakataon. Darating ka sa puntong gusto mo naman yung totoo na. Gusto mo naman yung may konkreto kang nakikita, hindi puro napalsong pangako at mga panaginip na kung iisipin ko ngayon dapat itinuring kong bangungot. Now I know what to do. And I also know how to do it. The only question that remains is, "Will I be able to do it?" Only time will tell.

Dealing with Rejection

There's nothing like rejection to make you do an inventory of yourself.

- James Lee Burke, American Author

Being rejected is certainly one of those feelings in this world that truly sucks! Nobody wants to be rejected. In fact, many people even fear it, and with good reason. Some people who get rejected really shatter to pieces especially when the person rejecting them is someone they expect to do the opposite. But the quote above says that rejection makes one do an inventory of oneself. That's what I am inclined to do right now. I would like to take a closer look at myself and find out why I am being rejected. Or maybe I don't need to do that anymore, because deep inside I know why this is happening. I rejected him first. And after agreeing to give him another chance, he's now rejecting me, giving me a dose of my own medicine. Hahaha! Brilliant move, if you ask me. I should not have the least of rights to feel dejected or to feel bad about the whole thing because I was the one who started it all. I had a chance to make things correct, and I was on my way to the right path, but I let myself be carried away again by sympathy and let my emotions rule me. I have also fed the bitter fruit of rejection to other people. I have done this a million times in the past. And not just to this one guy, but to many guys.

Someone told me maybe all this is a pattern of my reactions when confronted with stressful situations. I am always on the run for an escape. And in the process of escaping situations I thought I could not control, I know I broke a lot of hearts. At first I had doubts as to the truthfulness of this analysis of my character but then I just confirmed it when I stumbled upon a conversation I had recorded years ago. It was between one of my online flings and me. I don't even remember that I had it. I don't even remember why I kept it. Did I consider it like a trophy? But seeing it again made me realize many things. I do have an issue with commitment and many times in the past, I have done very hurtful things to people just so that I could escape from commitments I did not want to face up to. This conversation was an example of how I was so inconsiderate of many people's feelings, and by how cunning I was in trying to find an excuse to end those relationships. Maybe some of those relationships were really worth ending anyway. But some of those people had real feelings that have been hurt by my actions and words. And now I find myself regretting, thinking what could have been if only I was more matured to own up to the consequences of my decisions, if only I was more considerate of other people's feelings, if only I learned to trust and let myself go and not be afraid of getting hurt all the time. I also find myself whispering in the air a petition to these people for an apology for all the hurt I have caused them in the past. I was not the only one who was hurt then. I am also trying to picture many of them now settled and happy with their own lives. In so doing, I know I am trying to tell myself, they're actually better off without me. But I still wish that I didn't have to break so many hearts in the past just so that I could finally learn how it is to love truthfully and selflessly.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go."

-Herman Hesse

Today, I broke the heart of the person I love the most. How can I let myself go knowing that I did the most horrible thing to another human being by letting him think he is inferior to everyone else and making him feel like sh*t? Not that I wanted that to happen, it's the farthest thing from my mind, but seems to me that's how he feels now. And I cannot, for the love of myself, do anything for him. That's a sad fact because no matter how much I try to convince myself and the world that I just did the right thing, it can never change the fact that I broke the poor fellow's heart. How do you live with that? You don't.

But I have to try. Or else I wouldn't be able to start my life anew, which is the reason why I had to do the whole break-up thing in the first place. I have to believe that all these will eventually have a nice ending for everybody involved. I have to believe that I'm actually doing him a favor by breaking his heart now rather than later, which is eventually what would happen in this set-up. I have to believe that by setting him totally free without reservations or hopes of ever getting back together again in the future would hurt him big time now but would slowly give him the motivation and the courage to also start anew, find another girl, and live his own life. I have to believe that it would never be healthy for any one of us to still cling to any hope of having our own happy ending together; unfortunately we might have to settle with different people in our lives in order to achieve that much-sought after happy ending.

It was a good, five long years of being in love, cooling off, missing each other, falling in love again, getting back together again, breaking up again only to repeat the cycle for as many times as one can imagine. But it was all good, inspiring, amazing even. But it was also something that cannot just go on forever. Somehow it has to end. And for us, it ends here. And more unfortunate for me that it has to be me who would have had to end it. But I have to be strong and face up to my responsibility to myself, to God, and to him whom I have chosen to be with for the rest of my life.

Some people are just not meant to be a part of your life forever and some things are just not meant to be completely yours. And on this note, I would like to finish up by saying that I believe my capacity to let go of this person, who has had such a big part in my life and every memory that has to do with him, would really be a test of my character and strength. It would definitely not be easy. It never is. But easy doesn't go into grown-ups' lives. And often, the difficult thing to do is also the right thing to do. In this case, it truly is the one of the most difficult decisions I have ever done in my whole existence, but I chose to do it because it was the right choice.

Doing right is supposed to make us happy, right? Then why does it still hurt like hell??? :(

PUSO O UTAK?

The age-old question. Mas nauna pa nga yata to sa manok o itlog? I believe ever since humanity began, madami ng taong dumaan sa ganitong dilemma. Ano ba kasi talaga dapat ang pairalin sa dalawang ito? Sabi nila, dapat daw healthy balance between the two. Balance? Pwede ba pu-tak? Yan, balanced na balanced yan. Pag may mas nag-balanced pa diyan, papaputol ko itlog ko. Except wala kong itlog. Pero meron akong puso at utak.

Hay buhay, sabi nga nila, parang life. Eto na ang isang magandang buhay, nakahain na sa plato, kukutsarain na lang at isusubo sa bibig. Pero bakit parang naparalyzed ang kamay ko at ayaw gumalaw para kunin ang kutsara?Nakatitig lang ako sa plato and in fact secretly wishing na maglaho ito sa harap ko. Talaga? Sabi ng konsensya ko, after giving up your career, ganun na lang un? Gusto mo na maglaho na lang yang plato ng “great future” na pinagpalit mo sa “stable present” mo? Minsan naisip ko, naghangad ba ko ng sobra? Or naging sobrang mapaghangad ba ko? Sabagay, nakuha ko naman ung gusto ko. Andito na nga diba?Pero ngaung nakuha ko na, bakit parang gusto ko ibalik? Magulo ba? Oo.

Saan pumapasok ung puso o utak? Ganito kc un. Maayos na sana ang lahat. Kumbaga sa ilog, maayos ang daloy ng tubig, tuloy- tuloy lang. Kaso bigla akong naglambitin sa isang puno, nabuwal, nahulog sa ilog, na syang pumigil sa maayos na daloy ng tubig. Kaya ngaun di ko alam kung mananatili ba ko sa punong ito sa gitna ng ilog at tumulay papunta sa pampang o magpapatianod pa rin kasabay ng agos? At tuluyang kalimutan na may punong nahulog sa ilog? Pano ko makakalimutan ang puno kung ito ang nagdulot ng isang malaking sugat na sa tingin ko hindi na maghihilom kahit kailan? Permanente na ang sugat na to. Akala ko kasi nung una naghilom na, pero biglang kumirot at nagpaalalang, andito pa ko.

Puso o utak? Bakit ko nga ba naisipang sumulat ng ganito? Dahil ba sa nabasa kong sinabi ni KC Concepcion sa When I Met You na “Aanhin ko ang magandang buhay kung hindi naman ako masaya?” Feeling ko ako si KC nung nabasa ko to. Hindi dahil kamukha ko sya (hindi ako si Gabby) pero dahil ito mismo ang tanong na gusto kong itanong sa sarili ko, pero hindi ko maitanong at mas lalong hindi ko masagot. Lahat siguro ng tao, lalo na ung mga nagdaan sa kahirapan, nangangarap ng magandang buhay. Ang alam kasi natin, pag may magandang buhay, magiging masaya tayo. At yun naman talaga ang ultimate desire natin sa mundong ito, ang maging masaya, hindi ba? At bakit naman natin naisip na magandang buhay ang magdudulot sa atin ng kasiyahan? Kasi nung nararanasan natin ang hindi maganda o mahirap na buhay, hindi tayo masaya. Kaya naisip natin, kapag gumanda ang buhay natin, sasaya tayo. Eh bakit si KC (dun sa movie), maganda ang buhay nya pero hindi sya masaya? Despues, isa lang ang ibig sabihin nyan. Hindi palaging katumbas ng magandang buhay ang tunay na kaligayahan. So hindi tayo dapat palaging maghangad ng magandang buhay? Question to ha. Eh bakit pa tayo nagta trabaho? Nagsusumikap? Nangangarap? Siguro may mga tao ring tunay na naging masaya nung nakamit nila ang magandang buhay. Hindi nga lang lahat. So ang tanong ngaun, para sa mga taong sa tingin nila eh hindi magiging masaya kapag ginamit ang utak para magkaron ng magandang buhay, ano ang dapat gamitin para makamit ang nagpapahabol na ultimate happiness? Puso ba?

Kapag puso ang ginamit, masarap sa pakiramdam. Pakiramdam mo talaga, you’re going against all conventions. At nakaka proud na feeling ung maramdaman mong sa kabila ng lahat ng taong mapapa – huwattttt? sa desisyon mo, nagawa mong maging matatag at pangatawanan ang napili mo. At wag natin kalimutan na may kilig na kasama lahat ng yan. Pero…… pano kapag lumipas ang kilig? Pano pag dumating ang mga problema? Pano kapag bumalik ka na naman dun sa simula kung saan wini-wish mo magkaron ng magandang buhay dahil hindi ka na masaya sa mahirap na buhay? Magandang buhay na una mong tinalikuran dahil sabi mo hindi ka masaya.

Sandali nga lang. Kapag ginamit mo ang utak mo at pinili mo ang magandang buhay pero hindi ka masaya, ang ending mo, hindi ka masaya. Kapag ginamit mo naman ang puso mo at pinili mong maging masaya sa piling ng mahal ka at mahal mo, may possibility na dumating kayo sa point ng paghihirap, na magbabalik na naman sa yo sa state of unhappiness. Ang ending, hindi ka rin masaya.

Ang labo naman. Kahit anong piliin mo, ang ending mo hindi ka pa rin masaya. Unfair talaga ang mundo. Bakit nga ba unfair ang mundo?

Kailangan ba puro tanong ang essay na to? Title pa lang, tanong na diba? Sana, hindi lang puro tanong ang buhay. Sana, may mga sagot din. At sana ang mga sagot na un hindi manganak ng mas madami pang tanong.

Pero tumatakbo ang oras. Pili na. Puso o utak?

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Saka ko lang muling natuklasan ang mabisang paggamit ng pamamaraan ng pagsusulat upang maipahayag ang kahit anong gusto mong sabihin nung gumagawa ako ng email para sa kaibigan ko na kung saan sinasabi ko sa kanya ang mga problema ko sa ngayon. Naisip ko, gusto ko pang magsulat, nang magsulat, nang magsulat. Kaya habang may isusulat pa, andito ako ngayon.