"Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go."

-Herman Hesse

Today, I broke the heart of the person I love the most. How can I let myself go knowing that I did the most horrible thing to another human being by letting him think he is inferior to everyone else and making him feel like sh*t? Not that I wanted that to happen, it's the farthest thing from my mind, but seems to me that's how he feels now. And I cannot, for the love of myself, do anything for him. That's a sad fact because no matter how much I try to convince myself and the world that I just did the right thing, it can never change the fact that I broke the poor fellow's heart. How do you live with that? You don't.

But I have to try. Or else I wouldn't be able to start my life anew, which is the reason why I had to do the whole break-up thing in the first place. I have to believe that all these will eventually have a nice ending for everybody involved. I have to believe that I'm actually doing him a favor by breaking his heart now rather than later, which is eventually what would happen in this set-up. I have to believe that by setting him totally free without reservations or hopes of ever getting back together again in the future would hurt him big time now but would slowly give him the motivation and the courage to also start anew, find another girl, and live his own life. I have to believe that it would never be healthy for any one of us to still cling to any hope of having our own happy ending together; unfortunately we might have to settle with different people in our lives in order to achieve that much-sought after happy ending.

It was a good, five long years of being in love, cooling off, missing each other, falling in love again, getting back together again, breaking up again only to repeat the cycle for as many times as one can imagine. But it was all good, inspiring, amazing even. But it was also something that cannot just go on forever. Somehow it has to end. And for us, it ends here. And more unfortunate for me that it has to be me who would have had to end it. But I have to be strong and face up to my responsibility to myself, to God, and to him whom I have chosen to be with for the rest of my life.

Some people are just not meant to be a part of your life forever and some things are just not meant to be completely yours. And on this note, I would like to finish up by saying that I believe my capacity to let go of this person, who has had such a big part in my life and every memory that has to do with him, would really be a test of my character and strength. It would definitely not be easy. It never is. But easy doesn't go into grown-ups' lives. And often, the difficult thing to do is also the right thing to do. In this case, it truly is the one of the most difficult decisions I have ever done in my whole existence, but I chose to do it because it was the right choice.

Doing right is supposed to make us happy, right? Then why does it still hurt like hell??? :(