- James Lee Burke, American Author
Being rejected is certainly one of those feelings in this world that truly sucks! Nobody wants to be rejected. In fact, many people even fear it, and with good reason. Some people who get rejected really shatter to pieces especially when the person rejecting them is someone they expect to do the opposite. But the quote above says that rejection makes one do an inventory of oneself. That's what I am inclined to do right now. I would like to take a closer look at myself and find out why I am being rejected. Or maybe I don't need to do that anymore, because deep inside I know why this is happening. I rejected him first. And after agreeing to give him another chance, he's now rejecting me, giving me a dose of my own medicine. Hahaha! Brilliant move, if you ask me. I should not have the least of rights to feel dejected or to feel bad about the whole thing because I was the one who started it all. I had a chance to make things correct, and I was on my way to the right path, but I let myself be carried away again by sympathy and let my emotions rule me. I have also fed the bitter fruit of rejection to other people. I have done this a million times in the past. And not just to this one guy, but to many guys.
Someone told me maybe all this is a pattern of my reactions when confronted with stressful situations. I am always on the run for an escape. And in the process of escaping situations I thought I could not control, I know I broke a lot of hearts. At first I had doubts as to the truthfulness of this analysis of my character but then I just confirmed it when I stumbled upon a conversation I had recorded years ago. It was between one of my online flings and me. I don't even remember that I had it. I don't even remember why I kept it. Did I consider it like a trophy? But seeing it again made me realize many things. I do have an issue with commitment and many times in the past, I have done very hurtful things to people just so that I could escape from commitments I did not want to face up to. This conversation was an example of how I was so inconsiderate of many people's feelings, and by how cunning I was in trying to find an excuse to end those relationships. Maybe some of those relationships were really worth ending anyway. But some of those people had real feelings that have been hurt by my actions and words. And now I find myself regretting, thinking what could have been if only I was more matured to own up to the consequences of my decisions, if only I was more considerate of other people's feelings, if only I learned to trust and let myself go and not be afraid of getting hurt all the time. I also find myself whispering in the air a petition to these people for an apology for all the hurt I have caused them in the past. I was not the only one who was hurt then. I am also trying to picture many of them now settled and happy with their own lives. In so doing, I know I am trying to tell myself, they're actually better off without me. But I still wish that I didn't have to break so many hearts in the past just so that I could finally learn how it is to love truthfully and selflessly.
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