Now I Know... Or At Least I Think I Do

There was a recent and brief hysterical moment in my life when I was constantly asking myself, "What am I supposed to do?" And not only myself, I asked my best friend the same question, and even had to resort to asking strangers for advice. I asked my closest friend because, first, I trusted her, and second I wanted to know what a person who knows me would say about the situation that I put myself into. I asked strangers because first, I had no one else to turn to, and second, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to know what someone who doesn't know me can say about the situation, when they are given only details of the scenario. I am also a believer of the idea that when you are totally out of the picture and you're just seeing it from the outside, you get to have a more objective point of view, thus rendering you to be in a position to give unbiased advice about the situation. It is a fact that when you are in the situation itself, it is a bit hard to be objective because there is always the danger of clouding your senses with emotions thereby leading to you making the wrong decisions about things, that is, if you consider only your opinion. But someone once told me, there are no right or wrong decisions. Or it shouldn't matter anyway but what should be most important of all is that you are able to face the consequences of your every decision. Maybe this is why many of us are sometimes afraid to make decisions. We are afraid to face the consequences or sometimes we are afraid to be blamed if the decision that we made turned out to be the wrong one. During this time in my life, I did not only ask myself, or others, but more importantly, I turned to God. I just kept on praying for Him to show me the answer that I was so desperately looking for. Those pieces of advice from other people were also very helpful to me, along with careful reflection, I have finally managed to come up with a decision. I can say that many things are much clearer to me now. Siguro hindi ko talaga siya mahal gaya ng inakala ko na halos mamatay ako sa kaiiyak kapag iisipin kong hindi talaga kami para sa isa't isa. Ang iniiyakan ko pala eh ang sarili ko, dahil hindi ko pa naihanda ang sarili ko ng lubusan sa papasukin kong sitwasyon. May mga natuklasan din ako sa kanya na nagpaalala sa akin kung bakit noon pinili kong kalimutan sya at kung bakit nararamdaman ko noon hanggang ngayon may mga bagay na hindi nya sinasabi sa akin. Hindi ko siya mapili-pili kahit gustuhin ko, kahit akala ko yun ang sinisigaw ng puso ko, kasi sa likod ng isip ko, alam kong may mali eh. Hindi ko dapat palaging isipin yung napakatagal na panahon ng pagcha chat namin. Dapat nga ang isipin ko, bakit sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon, mula noon hanggang ngayon, wala pa ring pagkukusa mula sa kanya na palawigin pa ang kung anumang relasyon meron kami. Bumalik ang lahat ng takot ko at pangamba noon. Hanggang dito na lang ba kami sa chat? Ang sagot dun , OO. At dapat matagal ko nang alam ito. Dapat matagal ko nang isiniksik sa utak ko. At dapat din na dito na magtapos. Masakit din lalo na kung iisipin na inalagaan ko sa puso ko ang binhi ng pag-asa na baka naman siya na, baka naman kailangan ko lang maghintay ng konti pa, baka naman kailangan ko lang siyang bigyan ng isa pang pagkakataon..... Pero may limitasyon ang paghihintay, ang pag-asam, ang pangangarap, ang mga pagkakataon. Darating ka sa puntong gusto mo naman yung totoo na. Gusto mo naman yung may konkreto kang nakikita, hindi puro napalsong pangako at mga panaginip na kung iisipin ko ngayon dapat itinuring kong bangungot. Now I know what to do. And I also know how to do it. The only question that remains is, "Will I be able to do it?" Only time will tell.